This just in - the latest edition of SportCenter’s radio coverage of Calvinball!
Transcript:
Watts: Welcome back to SportsCenter. Plenty of great Calvinball action this week, right Billy?
Billy: Absolutely, Watts, and we’ve got all the highlights for you right here, right now.
[CUT]
Watts: After a brief 4-minute break, Jennifer is serving, hoping to win a point for the Spacemen! This is match-point, so you know the Tigers will pounce if she shows even the slightest sign of weakness!
Billy: Aaaand an ace smash for Jennifer, she’s been in top form tonight! Her coach is coming over to congratulate her on their victory, and..
Watts: Well, hold on a moment, Billy, Hobbes of the Tigers seems to be arguing with the ref! It seems he has something in his hand…is that Jennifer’s birth certificate??
Billy: Wow, it seems like she’s only 13! I’d never believe a kid her age could have so much talent if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes.
Watts: Unfortunately, Billy, kids aren’t allowed to play in a major - it seems it’s against the rules for tournaments to accept players under age 14, so Jennifer will be disqualified. If only her birthday was a month earlier, she’d be eligible for this match. You’d really think they’d have figured this all out before starting play!
Billy: Tough break for the Spacemen, Watts, but I’m really looking forward to seeing what she can do next year! The Tigers may have won this match, but they better be looking for an ace up their sleeve next year!
[CUT]
Watts: With the Tigers holding on to a safe 3 goal lead over the Spacemen, they are looking to cruise towards an easy win.
Billy: What’s that, Watts? Sean is standing in front of the goalie with his back to the play, waving his stick in front of the poor goalie’s face!
Watts: Hobbes is calling the referees over, and yes, that’s going to be a minor penalty against Sean. Have fun in the box, kid!
[CUT]
Watts: Deep in their own territory, the Tigers are going to need to get something going here.
Billy: Tom takes the snap and drops back. He’s looking downfield for someone open… but defenders are closing in. He spins to avoid the first one, but he’ll be grabbed by the ankles and taken down at the 1 yard line.
Watts: But there’s a flag down on the play. Looks like the Spacemen defender was already on the ground when he dove at the quarterback’s lower legs. Instead of losing yards, the Tigers will move downfield on the penalty.
[CUT]
Watts: Welcome back folks, we have an exciting game on our hands. Thanks to some stellar work by the Spacemen, they have narrowed the gap, but are still trailing with only 3 minutes left to play.
Billy: The Spacemen have possession right now, but those Tigers are out for blood tonight, and now Hobbes has a steal and is on a breakaway. He squares up a shot and-
Watts: What a save by Martin! The puck careens onto the ice behind the goal line! Martin skates after it, gains possession, then fires a pass down the ice to Spiff.
Billy: Now the refs are signaling a delay-of-game against Martin! Looks like he handled the puck outside the trapezoid behind the goal, and we all know goalies can’t do that!
Watts: Rough night to be a Spacemen fan tonight, Billy.
[CUT]
Watts: As the whistle blows for timeout early in the 2nd period, the Spacemen huddle up on the ice. The Spacemen seem to be pulling their goalie and, what’s this?! They’re putting their captain, Bill, into the net! It’ll be hard to get anything past him, but the Tigers seem to be making a plan of their own over there.
Billy: I’ve never seen Bill in front of the net, what do we have to look forward to tonight, Watts?
Watts: It’s been a few years, but the last time he goalkept for the Spacemen, the Tigers couldn’t score a single goal. It’ll be a rare shot that gets in with him playing the goalie for the rest of the night.
Billy: What’s this? They ought to be lining back up to resume play, but now the ref is coming out on the ice?
Watts: Oh…Oh, I see. It turns out captains are forbidden from also serving as goalies, so it looks like the Spacemen will have to make a snap decision, as that was their last timeout.
Billy: That hardly seems fair, Watts. What an obscure rule, there must be quite the story behind that one!
[CUT]
Billy: We’re here at the Pro Bowl on this beautiful morning, ready to see the Spacemen and the Tigers go head-to-head!
Watts: I’m fired up, Billy! I can’t wait to see what Shawne of the Spacemen does in this game. He has been a sack machine this season!
Billy: He really is the GOAT. I almost feel bad for the Tigers, I really don’t see them having a chance with Shawne in top form today.
Watts: I wouldn’t count the Tigers out just yet, Billy - they always have a trick up their sleeves. The match hasn’t even started yet, and Hobbes is already talking to the ref about something.
Billy: This just in, Watts, and…I can’t believe it! They aren’t going to allow Shawne to play! After testing positive for banned substances 8 months ago, he’s disqualified and the Pro Bowl will have to go on without him!
Watts: What did I tell you, Billy? This match just got a lot less predictable! I hope you didn’t put down too much money on the Spacemen!
[CUT]
Watts: The Tigers’ drive has stalled at the Spacemen’s 6 yard line, so they’ll attempt to extend their lead by kicking a field goal.
Billy: Hobbes is not a very good placekicker, so despite the short distance this is far from a chip shot for him. Morris will line up deep in the end zone, maybe to attempt a return if the kick falls short.
Watts: The Tigers snap it, and the kick from Hobbes is low - will it clear the goalposts?
Billy: No! Morris leaps up in the back of the end zone, stretches his hand out above the crossbar, and swats the ball down before it can go through the uprights. What an amazing play!
Watts: But there’s a flag down on the field, and it looks like the referees are conferring - they’re going to give the Tigers the points anyway, Billy. Have you ever seen anything like this?!
Billy: Apparently goaltending like that is against the rules.
[CUT]
Watts: So that’ll bring the Tigers’ power-hitting Hobbes to the plate.
Billy: All the bases except 1st base are loaded. Spiff is going to need to pitch to him carefully.
Watts: That won’t be easy. Hobbes has been locked in so far tonight, looking like nothing can rattle him.
Billy: Spiff looks in for the sign and - hey, where’d Eddie come from? He’s meant to be in the outfield, but he seems to be warming up behind the pitcher’s mound. Is this really the time to be doing jumping jacks, Eddie? Your team needs you!
Watts: Actually, Billy, I think he’s trying to distract Hobbes - see how his eyes keep shifting up every time Eddie waves his arms? That’s gotta hurt his focus.
Billy: The Tigers manager is coming out to talk to the umpires – looks like they’re disputing whether Eddie should be allowed to distract Hobbes like that. It does seem a bit dirty, and, yes, looks like the umps agree. They’re throwing Eddie out of the game!
Watts: Love to see the competitive spirit, but you’ve got to know the rules.
[CUT]
[OUTRO]
Watts: That’s a wrap for this week, folks! I’m Watts -
Billy: And I’m Billy -
Watts: And don’t forget to tune back into SportsCenter next week for another exciting highlight reel!
[END]
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